Why I sulk in bed


Julianne Nguyen, guest writer

As a teenager, it is normal for our adolescent stage to go through developmental stages. According to Erikson’s Developmental Stages, one in particular: Identity v. Confusion defines the sense of the complexity of life. Role confusion had always been in my brain ever since I was a child. It was my goal to become the person that I had sought out as my ideal self. But through role confusion comes sulking in bed trying to figure out my real and ideal self. 

My bed has become the very place that not only gives me comfort but gives me the space to think, let out my emotions, and reflect on my actions. Between these four walls lies an overthinker but outside, I could socialize without a care in the world. Throughout a normal school day, it is normal for me to receive criticism and it is a routine for me to laugh it off but, at the end of the day, I let it get to me even if I try my hardest not to. Letting the comments drop my confidence to a low point was not one of my proudest moments. Nowadays I like to second guess myself most of the time because I don’t feel confident in what I say. Although during this time, the Coronavirus pandemic had led us to be quarantined for our safety and led me to focus more on myself. 

Anxiety had led me to trust issues and it prevents me from reaching out to amazing friends that could potentially help improve my mental growth. Although this pandemic had reduced the possibility of that, I could always plan out how things would work after the Coronavirus has passed. My trust issues have made it hard for me to seek out someone who accepts me for me because I have let myself fall into a hole of unhealthy relationships. But I have a difficult time letting go because I’m scared of change. It is ironic how I want to reach out to new healthy relationships but can’t seem to let go of the old unhealthy ones. It’s a constant rebuttal between what I want and what I currently have and it is the reason why I sulk in bed. 

I often think about a lot of scenarios in my head that seem improbable. I set high expectations that are too extreme and fail for even trying. For a while, I have given up on trying to strive for the best because I already admitted to being average. But now I like to believe that positive perceptions will lead to positive results. 

At the moment, I am fortunate to have time for myself and to think about what I could improve on to better my well-being. I now like to process my thoughts on how I could work to get where I want to be rather than sulking in bed. Through a time like this, I am truly grateful for the four walls that used to be a space where I hated but have turned to a place where I am safe.